Category: Blog Post (Page 12 of 15)

Gone but not forgotten.

1. I wonder if Glenn Beck calls it “Call of Duty: Colored Operations”.

Never enough is it?

2. There’s no such thing as penis enlargement cream. Only “penis size insecurity” cream.

Still Looking For The Real Killers?

3. People say you shouldn’t go where you’re not wanted. Yeah, but what if you’re a fugitive?

These sandwiches never leave me wanting more.

4. One method of critiquing someone is the “compliment sandwich” method. If the criticism is the meat then obviously my boss wants me to be on a low carb diet.

No one goes in the voting booth with you right?

5. Yo what if secretly Warren Buffet votes Republican in the booth when no one is watching?

That is some adorable bacon.

6. Did you know that pigs are actually smarter than dogs? Oh you didn’t? Yeah that’s because they are delicious.

You know the sound guy hated Brooklyn's own Randy Watson

7. Whenever someone drops the mic on stage I always think about that poor sound guy who has to fix that.

Olive Oil... it's not just for cooking.

8. I know there is extra virgin olive oil but is there any dirty dirty whore olive oil?

My bad yo!

9. You ever have a moment of pure ignorant prejudice? I had one the other day in the grocery store. I saw a woman in a berka on a cell phone. For some reason that struck me as odd. Finally I realized that the unease I felt was because I thought it was against her religion to use technology. I was like, “Muslims can’t use cell phones.” As quickly as I thought that my brain had a second MORE ignorant thought of, “Oh wait yes they can that’s how they set off the bombs.” And now that thought is in your head. You’re welcome.

Side Note: The difference between me and most Republicans is that it took me 5 seconds to realize this was dumb and racist.

Tricks and Treating

10. They really have to change it to “Hoe-llaween” at this point right?

It's not creepy if you're CPR certified.

11. I’m getting my CPR recertification tonight. I think everyone should do it. Even if you don’t do it to save lives it’s a good alibi for hovering over an unconscious person.

It'll only cost you Drew Brees for Philip Rivers.

12. My fantasy football team is so bad I proposed a trade to my white friend citing “reparation forgiveness” as a reason he should do the trade.

Time to hit up apartmentfinder.com Styles.

13. Styles P has been rapping about the same crimes for almost 2 decades now. Move neighborhoods dude.

I'm happy to be employed an all but boy is it depressing.

14. You know you have a pretty uptight job when people talk in their cubicles like how antelope drink water in the wild.

The Jewish Madea?

15. Is there a Jewish word for coon? Cause it feels like Adam Sandler has crossed that line for Jewish people.

So this is what Dan Gilbert uses for kindling?

16. I think people have wedding photos only because they need something to put tears on and burn once the divorce comes.

Without gravity there would be no bras.

17. Some people say they don’t see race. I like to tell them I don’t see gravity.

Impossible? Have a little faith in yourselves guys. You've earned it.

18. Saw Mission Impossible 4 last night. Spoiler Alert: They accomplished the fucking mission again. It should be “Mission Harder Than U Think”

Last Year Of This Risky Behavior. Enjoy It While It Last

• Blake Griffin’s “sophomore” season progression. Everyone knows that typical NBA progression for a player is to trend upwards the first 3 to 4 years in the league. If you thought Griffin was relentlessly dominating the competition last year what would he have done this year? He’s still in that mentality of a young invincible indestructible guy. I want to get every second of Blake Griffin’s ascension that we can. Once he realizes there is no money in being injured and develops that consistent contact avoiding jump shot the days of mid game dunk contests will be a thing of the past. I predict in 2 years Blake gone be pulling up for jumpers and developing up and under safe moves so he can see ALL that money from those contracts.

• Side Note: I’m also looking forward to Blake half-assing his defense of the slam dunk contest. He’s now achieved that level of stardom where the contest can do more to hurt him than help him. Dwight Howard did it a while back when he let Nate Robinson dunk over him just to be done with the contest. To be honest … that’s who I’d like to see win the contest again, Nate Robinson. Short people in the dunk contest will never NOT be good. They already have that Napoleon complex and they actually give a fuck. There is no short NBA player who can’t be made MORE famous by winning a dunk contest. On the low that shit kept Spudd Webb in the NBA for like 5 extra years.

They Don't Even Start Trying To Win Until March At the Earliest

• Everyone completely overreacting to team’s wins and losses before February. It happens every year. They start with the “Will Miami win all 82 games?!” or “The Lakers have lost 3 games in a row! Can they make the play-offs! Is the dynasty over?!” And I enjoy the conversation every year because we all know it’s coming down to the same 4 to 8 teams in the last few rounds of the play-offs every year. With fewer games in the season we could possibly have even more hype surrounding every loss. It’s going to get crazy. Suddenly the Bucks will be leading “NBA Today” after a hot start and Stuart Scott will use some terrible 90’s slang like, “Is Stephen Jackson’s butter cause the Bucks are on a roll to the NBA finals with a 7 and 2 start to the season!” And I’ll be like, “Is something behind me? What is he looking at?”

• Side Note: Another thing I can’t wait to see is which old ass has been the Celtics drag out of the casket to play on the team this year. They’ve been doing this for a while now. Rasheed Wallace, Jermaine O’Neal and Shaq. Who’s next? Is Dr. J still shooting hoops at his local YMCA? What’s Allen Iverson up to? At this point maybe Larry Bird IS walking through that door. Allan Houston is somewhere lifting weights like “all I need is one more shot.” There isn’t a funnier site in the NBA than a January game where the Celtics decide “we ain’t running with these young boys tonight” and lose to the Golden State Warriors by 40.

If You Had One Ring, One Chance... What Would You Do?

• The Dallas Mavericks imploding in May when Dirk realizes he’s the only one on the team who actually was planning on winning multiple championships. Look at that roster and think about all the players on the Mavericks who thought “I finally got my ring! Now I can die happy!” Jason Kidd wanted a ring so bad he worked on his set shot. I bet dude hasn’t even shot the ball around in his drive way this off season. Jason Terry is a low key old dude too. You think I didn’t notice how that head band slid further back on his head every year? I thought I was watching “Touch By An Angel” one day and then realized it was just Jason Terry wearing his headband like a halo. Shawn Marion never thought he’d be able to get a ring once he stopped playing with Steve Nash and quickly realized “catching alley oops” is a useless skill set when no one is throwing up lobs. JJ Barea is too busy showing off his official NBA jersey to women in the club to convince them that he’s an NBA champion AND old enough to actually be drinking in the club. The disease of “more” is going to be upon the Mavs and I just don’t see them holding it together long enough to win multiple rings. Maybe they’ll prove me wrong.

• Side Note: Dirk was finally gonna get to do his victory lap around the NBA. He was going to get arenas full of genuine “Welcome to white America” love this season. He’s been German ever since he got exposed by Stephen Jackson when the Mavs were upset by the Warriors a while back. White people disowned Dirk like he was part of the Emancipation Proclamation. Then Dirk got his heart broke by a random black chick with a criminal history and he didn’t come out of that funk until he listened to “808’s and Heartbreaks” for a couple months. But now Dirk is back baby. White people started drinking German beers again and saying things like “I always liked Dirk. He reminds me of Larry Bird.”

Mama There Goes That Man

• Coach Mark Jackson of the Golden State Warriors. I’m not sure what the owners of the Warriors were thinking when they hired Mark Jackson. Mark Jackson successfully navigated the world of NBA analysis while managing to offer no actual NBA analysis. Sure, he’s full of catch phrases but can you “catch phrase” your way into the play-offs? I can’t wait until they have a TV camera in the huddle and we get some classic Mark Jackson audio. I can already see him drawing with a sharpie on a handheld clipboard and looking at Steph Curry like, “Okay you’re gonna put the kiddies to bed and then come off this pick. Make a grown man move and say ‘Mama there goes that man!’ Everyone got it? Good. Hand Down Man Down on three! 1, 2 … HAND DOWN MAN DOWN!” Then the team will collectively look at each other like, “So what’s the play?” And Steph Curry will roll his eyes and say “Iso?”

• Mark Jackson getting a head coaching gig is EXACTLY why the lock out doesn’t mean a damned thing. These are the kinds of decisions that owners make and then wonder why their team can’t compete for the next 3 years. Fans will still be suckered into thinking, “Well the players are just overpaid and lazy” like that’s going to stop GMs from tying up money in all sorts of stupid ventures. I don’t care how much money the players give back in salary when your ownership think “Hey the guy with those funny ass catch phrases… let’s get him in here for an interview”, you’re already doomed to suck for years to come. This is like watching the movie “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and rooting for Ike Turner to change his ways.

Yay! The NBA is back!

I just want to get my thoughts out about the NBA being back. I have loved the NBA since I was a kid. I was a fan of the Charlotte Hornets since they came into the league back in 1988 I was 9 years old. I loved the cheering in the stands, the sold out arenas, and the hype of the playoffs. I even played basketball when I was younger. It has been a part of my life. When I heard that the lock out was over and saw how many people had so much to say (good and bad) about it ending, I wanted to speak my mind about it. I feel that there are some people who used to love the NBA then something happened and they lost that love. For others, they are just not fans at all.

Either way, I feel the voices of the people who love this game are being drowned out by people who don’t share the same enjoyment of the sport. I always have and always will love the NBA.  There is nothing like the start of the season when everyone is fresh and ready to play and there is nothing like the playoffs where everyone is fighting for their playoff lives. Now I didn’t end the lock out like Rod but I can say I love the fact that NBA is back. I LOVE this game baby!

You need each other.

• Kobe and Pau Gasol secretly despising working with each other while needing each other more than ever. This all came to a head when the Lakers were swept out of the play-offs by the eventual 2011 NBA champs, the Dallas Mavericks. Every pass that went off Gasol’s hands and landed out of bounds had Kobe looking at Pau with rape in his eyes. And every huddle during a time out had Pau looking at Kobe like “I wish I had called in sick today.” Pau played piss poor last year against the Mavs and needs Kobe’s faith in him just as much as Kobe needs Pau to play good again. Say what you want about Kobe but he’s a leader and if he believes you can get the job done then so goes the rest of the team. My favorite part about the Lakers collapse was Phil Jackson looking like he already had his plane tickets to Bermuda and that “I need some space” email drafted to send to Jeanie Buss. That was some good ass drama. The rumors about affairs and teammates violating the man code with each other’s fiancé’s and stuff only made the drama better. Now Mike Brown is the “coach” for the team. This year the stakes would’ve been even higher as Kobe is 100% aware that he doesn’t have much time left. The team could implode around Kobe or be driven to win like never before. And the people who hate Kobe will still be hating either way.

• Side note: Lamar Odom looks so happy man. As my father would say, “He’s in love like a big dog.” I love playing “Is Lamar still smoking weed?” game like once a week. Just look at his endorsements and his TV appearances. He’s either selling your $5 boxes from Taco Bell or eating nachos out of the NBA championship trophy. Those are stoner ads man. I don’t know if I’ll ever look at Lamar Odom without checking the redness of his eyes again.

Boom!

• That Greg Oden season ending injury that we all hope won’t happen but we all KNOW will happen. The only thing Greg Oden has really given NBA fans is a classic ESPN advertisement. Other than that what can we say for dude? A handful of good games every season and a reminder why some times picking the big man number 1 over all is the wrong choice? Not to mention the countless hours of disasturbation by ESPN analyst about his wasted potential and unfortunate circumstances. I bet if you add up all the hours of diatribes about the sadness of Oden’s knee injuries it’s longer than his actual time played in games.

• Side note: You know who gotta be real real happy about Greg Oden being hurt all the damned time? Brandon Roy. I swear that nigga gets a pass for being injury prone. People constantly shit on the Charlotte Bobcats for not drafting Brandon Roy despite him refusing to work out for the team but everyone forgets the rumors of Roy’s chronic foot issues. I’m not saying that the Bobcats made the right decision going for Adam Morrison but Roy had his issues too.

Is he too corny to be controversial?

• Dwight Howard still dominating the NBA sans post game. For true fans of NBA big men has there been anything more frustrating than “Smallville” refusing to take the initiative to develop some aggressive post moves? This dude is the first center with “passive aggressive” post moves. I swear it seems like Drake is his footwork coach. Maybe it’s just his attitude towards life but he never seems to demand the ball in the paint in clutch situations. He just can’t make that leap where he would go from “problem” to “un-guardable” in the paint. How many times do we need to see that play-off loss press conference where he talks about touching the ball only 3 times in the 4^th quarter? How many times can his teammates go HAM from the three point line while looking him off in clutch situations? How many stupid gangly elbows is he going to land in an opponent’s grill by accident? I have no problem with intentional elbows but the ones that occur by sheer carelessness and lead to him fouling out? At this point this is just who Dwight is. He’s never going to make it to Superman status but it’s still fun roasting him as he continues to use his sideline dancing antics and sense of humor to distract us from his ring-less fingers.

• Side note: I feel like we’ve been deprived of the “Dwight Howard shooting a grenade launcher in the Modern Warfare commercial” controversy. When Kobe did this last year it shut down the media for a couple days. Outside the Lines even had a special “let’s bring in some black people” episode discussing the effects of a “role model” shooting a gun in a national commercial. This time … nothing. The lesson here? People still hate Kobe.

He was this comfortable BEFORE being paid to be on the set...

• Shaq on TNT. I love the NBA and I love ratchetness. We know this. It’s like 90% of the reason I watch ratchetball wives (and ratchetball wives LA). Now what would be more filled with drama, bitterness and hate than Shaq on TNT acting all spiteful? Shaq has never been one to hold his tongue and he’s a little too petty to be politically correct. I bet he’s jealous of the niche that Charles Barkley has carved out for himself in his post playing career as the “people’s champ” when it comes to looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. That’s a dynamic I want to see play out on the show. Not to mention the TNT studio crew replaying the Barkley “scoop and punch” clip where he used all of his old man strength to take apart a young Shaq. Every post game live interview will be filled with sideways slander from Shaq. I feel like Shaq still has a couple of ignorant inflammatory off the cuff remarks in him. Maybe something about Hitler and Omri Caspi. It could happen.

• Side note: How many enemies has this guy made in his career? And I don’t mean people who hate Shaq. I mean people he’s turned into punching bags on his way out the door. Has he ever left a team and had something good to say about every one?  He’s shitted on Phil, Penny, Kobe, D’Anotni, Dwight Howard, Erick Dampier, Stan Van Gundy and my personal favorite … Jason “White Chocolate” Williams. At this point I bet it’s impossible to show a clip of an NBA team where Shaq doesn’t have something snarky to say. Not to mention this guy is just barely retired! That means that the current players don’t see him as this elder statesman to be tolerated like they do Barkley. We could see some legit trash talking in those post game interviews. I need this in my life!

As long as the lock out is going on I may as well put down the things that I’ll miss from the NBA season when it doesn’t happen. I’m pretty sure Bill Simmons already wrote something just like this but I hate that nigga, so fuck him. I’m jacking for beats on this post. Plus I didn’t read that shit because of my limited intellectual capital.

Slim trash diet.

• Eddie Curry showing up looking slimmer than he’s ever been in his life. After about 3 weeks of higher than average numbers everyone will realize that without his weight he can no longer just stand in the paint like an immovable object. A week later the “why is Eddie Curry getting benched?” stories will start and a month after that he’ll be showing up to games with Popeye’s crumbs on his shirt. I don’t even know what team Curry is on right now but I bet it’s some sort of restaurant. Now we’ll never get to see what skinny Eddie Curry was capable of.

Don't get use to Paul wearing a Hornets jersey.

• Chris Paul reminding everyone that he’s easily the best point guard in the NBA as he put his wares on display to try to get a team to sign him in the summer. The Paul to OKC trade rumors will start then they’ll be followed by the Paul to New York rumors. After that we’ll have the Chris Paul to Los Angeles rumors, Paul to the Clippers, Paul to Orlando, Paul to The Bucks and eventually we’ll have Paul to the Hornets. Why? Because the new collective bargaining agreement will probably have a franchise tag that keeps these interesting trade team ups from happening EVER AGAIN!

• Side note: Am I the only one who finds it odd that Chris Paul doesn’t have a nickname? Who is the last great point guard that we had in the NBA who NEVER got a nickname? John Stockton? I’m at a loss. He didn’t even get the “first initial – last name” treatment like Derrick Rose.
• Side note 2: Tye Diamond reminded me that his nickname is “CP3” but honestly isn’t that just fucking lame? Doesn’t he deserve something awesome like “Magic” got? Maybe “The Nut Cracker”. Yeah let’s go with that.

This was the happiest he was all year.

• The Tracy McGrady resurgence / collapse on the Miami Heat. It would take about 3 months to realize that the T-Mac we grew to love in Orlando has been long since done. Once most casual fans who make up most of Miami’s fanbase realize that Tracy actually played last year for the Detroit Pistons the novelty will wear off and his back will start getting all “Coach K” on him. I’m going to miss the slow turn from hope to outrage to utter sadness at T-mac let’s everyone down. I really wanted to hear the first “aww” of the crowd as T-Mac decided to go for the finger roll even though he’s on a fast break all by himself.

He'll get around to working on it next off season.

• Rajon Rondo STILL missing jump shots. At this point I don’t know if we can even explain how and why Rondo’s jump shot is so bad. The key to stopping the Celtics has been the same for like 4 years now. You just back all the way off Rondo and dare him to beat you with the jumper and he can’t do it. Even still before the all star break we’ll be hit with at least 75% of Celtics fans trying to convince us that THIS is the year Rondo has that jump shot working. They’ll tell us stories of off season shooting sessions, shooting coaches and a new form on his jumper before eventually giving up on him around March when NBA teams get serious about making the play-offs. Also some of the older Celtics will be doing their typical “coast until we have something to play for” routine putting extra weight on Rondo’s shoulders to carry the team with scoring.

Still much more comfortable doing THIS than playing defense.

• Carmelo and Amare leading the NBA in dunks and points scored by 2 players on the same team while also leading the NBA in dunks given up and points scored by the guys they should be guarding. It’s great that NYC has some star power back in their city but good grief I’m sick of Knicks fans spending 90% of the season trying to buy into D’Antoni’s style of run and fun basketball like the play-offs will be played at a break neck pace. When it’s down to half court defense and offense Amare and Melo are going to start looking a lot less dominant. I still think the Knicks would’ve approached 55 wins or more this season.

• Side note: I still think the Knicks should’ve kept Felton in that deal with the Nuggets. Not sure what that would’ve cost them but Billups is way too old and not versatile enough to really run this offense how it should be run. I also think Billups has no chance of defending the quicker guards in the East.  Denver has to be looking to trade Felton or Lawson this year right? It seems redundant to have them both on the roster doing damned near the same thing.

I think he wore this when he handed out turkeys for Thanksgiving in the Indianapolis projects.

• Whatever is going on with Zach Randolph’s “drug kingpin” of Indiana case that people always seem to forget about. At this point I’m feeling like Z-Bo is Kaizer Soze. How else do we explain him getting a pass on allegedly having a fleet of SUV’s with hidden drug compartments and still not having a trial yet? Last year was Z-Bo’s Kobe moment where he was out there acquitting himself on the court nightly. If the case still is hanging over his head maybe he can win MVP this year?

I’ve had a few podcasters ask me what all went into the new clearer and richer sound of the podcast. I’m writing this blog post to give you a quick run down. If you have questions leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them there. We use Audacity (a free program) to record our shows.

We used to record with a Blue Snowball USB microphone. It was very simple. You plug it in and it does it’s thing. The only thing you have to adjust is the mic volume on your computer. It has 3 settings for different recording set ups. So it’s great for people sitting in a room having a conversation OR one person talking directly into it. The sound quality is very good for a mic that’ll run you between $75 to $100. In order to record things like news clips during the show we’d have to play it on our computer stereo and turn the volume up so the mic would catch it.

The new equipment is a bit more complex. The main gem that we have is Alesis MULTIMIX8USBFX 8ch Mixer W/ Fx Usb Audio Interface.

The instructions that come with it are very simple and it works like a charm. With this we can play audio straight through our computer. The settings are all built into the board. It also has some features like echo and sound effects but I don’t fuck with that stuff.

Now because we have a mixer we had to get some condenser mics. These mics work off of phantom power which means it’ll work with this mixer as long as you have the phantom power switch to the “on” position. One of the mics we got off of Best Buy brand new. The other two we got used.

This is the used mic we got it’s called MXL 990 Condenser Microphone

We bought one that came in the case with a shock mount. This is good for sound quality and stuff.

Of course you’ll also need mic stands, mic cords and a few other cords that will connect things to your head phones or speakers. This will vary by our individual set up. All of the input and output interfaces on this mixers are 1/4 stereo connections which is a pain in the ass because you have to go buy converters for all of your equipment that uses plain old regular jacks.

I also have to buy this headphone splitter thing because with the new setup we can only hear each other if we’re speaking into the mics while wearing headphones. Of course this means we have to get a four way splitter which is like $50 or something. Then we can finally split the signal 4 ways and get Will and Justin back in the studio with us.

That’s a down and dirty explanation. If you have really specific questions I suggest you Google them first but if not then just leave a comment here and I’ll answer what I can.

I Think We Should See Other People

• Love – All relationships start over at zero on the first day of the Zombie Apocalypse. The new wedding vows will be “until circumstances do us part”. Too many times have I seen people cave at the thought of leaving a loved one to fend for themselves. Well that’s too bad. Now that the zombies are here everyone is a stranger to me. This includes family, friends and marriages. And don’t think that I believe I’m special. I assume EVERYONE is going to do the same thing. Well, everyone who will survive the Zombie Apocalypse that is.

I Half Want This Kid To Die RIGHT NOW anyways!

• People Who Have A Hard Time Following Instructions – This includes many groups of people, small children, stubborn old people, racist, feminist and many many more. Debate becomes all but useless in a life or death situation. And if I’m holding a door open for you to escape a horde of zombies the last thing I need to hear is “I can hold the door for myself. You think because I’m a woman I need you to…” SLAM!

Survival of the Fittest

• Sickly People – There is no getting sick in a zombie attack. A trip to the pharmacy is pointless when neither you nor I know what we’re looking for unless it’s Theraflu. And Theraflu should already be packed in your “go bag” anyway so what are we waiting on? We’re not going to be raiding doctors offices for Asthma medicine and insulin okay?

30 Seconds or Less

• Long Goodbyes – So say one of the crew gets bitten and now as they’re slowly devolving into a brain eater they want to discuss the entirety of their life and pass down lessons… wrong time. Wrap it up B! Suddenly mid-sentence I’m starting to look a lot less like Rod and more and more like a snack. If you get bitten you are dead already as far as I’m concerned. I’m shooting all bite victims immediately.

There Isn't Any Time For Mind Games

• People With Hidden Agendas – Hey man, I barely tolerate your crap right now. So don’t come to me with secret agendas and ulterior motives. The time for subterfuge is over with. We need to keep everything on the up and up. If you take a detour in the middle of supply run to go get an engagement ring from an abandon strip mall … I’m shooting you. And when I get back I’m telling everyone the zombies ate you. Word life.

This Isn't Thriller Or A Flash Mob

• Large Groups Of People – You see potential friends and I see potential zombies who are already within my personal space. I need a small mobile group who can fend for themselves and leave things promptly. Large groups need large rations, large space to stay and have many varied motivations. I need a few people armed to the teeth and ready to roll on a moment’s notice. Goodbye Facebook friends only my Myspace top 5 are coming with me on this trip.

No Need For Two Of Us To Fall Ya Dig?

• Compassionate People – We have limited resources and we’re in a dire situation. The last time I need to be thinking about is “Where did half of our water go?”, because you decided to run off and give a thirsty family of kittens a drink. In our travels we’re going to walk right by many people who are in need and we need to do just that … walk right by. Also, I don’t want you having a mental breakdown about the fact that we are now essentially causing brain trauma to things that look like humans. If you’re a PETA member and suddenly want to seek a humane solution to ending the undead please go sign up with Drake’s zombie survivor unit. Some of the undead WILL be former children and I don’t have the time to risk getting bit while you try to debate the morality of the situation. There is no strength in compassion in a zombie apocalypse, compassion is only a weakness. “Oh but what if they save me?” Sounds good right? But what about all the other times they’ll want you to save other people? More mouths to feed, more danger in groups and more potential zombies.

No time to shop. We'll need this.

• People Without Skills – Look, you need some assets out here in the zombie Armageddon. I don’t care if it’s sowing, fishing or growing plants. You need to be able to do something other than complain all day and second guess me and the crew as we get stuff done. I’m giving you the head’s up now so you can learn how to shoot a gun, memorize the layout of major cities, get some CPR training or learn to drive stick. Don’t become zombie fodder because you thought video games were the only important thing in life.

If You Never Raise Them Up You'll Never Have To Put Them Down

• Pets – Yeah I’m sure your dog / cat / fish is the smartest animal in history. I bet it’s practically a “Lassie” level genius but here’s the thing I don’t care about your pet. In the zombie apocalypse all animals go into two groups: edible and transportation. That’s it. So if we can’t strap a saddle to Fido’s back he’s getting roasted over an open fire. All food now starts over at taste level zero. That means it’s not inedible until I taste it. This isn’t “I Am Legend” and Will Smith isn’t walking through that door. If you remember that movie he went insane and wanted to die after his dog was turned into a zombie dog and he had to smother it to death. Do you really want to go through that? Me either. It’s already going to be bad enough when we have to kill other humans for doing stuff that endangers the group now you want to add animals to that mix? I don’t need your dog running off after a squirrel or barking at an ant while zombies are lurking through the hallways.

You Guys Go Head I'll Sit This One Out

• Lazy People – This differs from people who are smart and efficient. I’m specifically talking about the lazy. We’re going to have to start doing a lot of stuff by hand. Stuff like washing clothes, cooking and building fires. We don’t have time for people to act like a member of the Real World who refuses to do dishes because “I don’t do that” or some other pointless complaint. Lazy people aren’t going to want do all of the stuff it takes to survive. They’re going to want to use the generator for air conditioning and watching DVDs. No thanks.

I'm already regretting last night.

1. Pandora was probably just a crazy chick back in ancient Greece and opening her box probably lead to her being all types of ratchet. Subsequently I think all crazy women’s vaginas should be called “Pandora’s Boxes”.

And to think this used to just be a concept.

 
2. Kids have no imagination any more. Everything is already mapped out for them with video games and various other technology. If you ask a kid what “Imagination” is they’ll tell you it’s a editing program made by Sony. Look it up!

#Employed

3. Ladies I wear a size 13 in business shoes. And you know what they say about a man’s business shoes right? He’s got a job.

This is useless now.

4. Why did we spend all that time learning the Dewey Decimal system?

5. The secret ingredient in my recipe to make tender ribs is “let the ribs listen to Drake for 2 hours” before grilling.

Look it up!

6. New Twitter rule if you can figure something out in 10 seconds with the help of Google then don’t ask me! I’m tired of questions like, “what’s the score of the game” sent from a smart phone or laptop computer.

You really gotta hand it to these vaginas.

7. The new Summer’s Eve commercial compares vaginas to hands. Somehow I think men have known this for years.

No thing to say here other than Caramel was the baddest black porn star ever!

8. Who ever came up with “no such thing as a dumb question” obviously didn’t have a Twitter account.

Not nearly as intimidating right?

9. If you think about it Batman’s belt was the only cool “Fanny Pack” in world history. Of course Jack Bauer has the only cool “man-purse” though.

Pain motivates us all.

10. Much like art all good binge eating comes from shame.

Duh

11. Kids are stupid. How do these clown party costumes fool them? Of course that’s not Sponge Bob dummy. Suddenly he and Patrick can’t talk? Really? If he had a sore throat why wouldn’t he just stay home?

Totally just hanging out toddling and stuff.

12. I know we call little kids toddlers but what exactly is toddling? Is it like how hipsters are hip?

Is it the onions or the repressed memories?

13. You ever cut onions and start crying at the same time you realize your uncle molested you? Thank God for those onions…

There is only one step left.

14. First there was planking. That’s where people lay down flat and take a pic of themselves. Now there is “Batmaning” where you hang from an object by your toes. I think the next step in the agenda is to bring back lynching. I’m onto you white people.

You have no depth perception. How will you hit me.

15. In hindsight I see why Snake Plisskin always had such a hard time convincing people he was a bad ass. He had one eye and a perm.

What ever happened to this dude any way?

16. I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “Dieing of AIDS. Please help!” And I wanted to roll the window down and say “Yeah I can help you. You spelled ‘dying’ wrong.”

Okay, it’s time for more stove adventures with me and the listeners to our podcast. Thanks for all of your submissions over the past few days. You can always send us your food pics by emailing theblackguywhotips@gmail.com. Let’s get right into it.

I made lamb loin chops by battering them in panko bread crumbs and baking them in the oven. Then i microwaved a couple of potatoes and wrapped them in foil. After they softened up I opened them up and added some cheese (hey white people) bacon and sour cream. It was so good.

And Karen’s plate

From @InTheBleachers Hand pattied burgers seasoned with red pepper flake, fresh cracked pepper, kosher salt and diced chiles.

@RealAnge with some chicken and rice.

From Andre:

Beef tenderloin strips with a Red wine and tomatoe sauce. Wild rice with apples, raises, and walnuts. Scalloped Potatoes with real Bacon bits. Green beans with mushrooms.

Second is Seafood Pasta with Crab meat, shrimp scallops and smoked salmon to add flavor. Steamed Alaskan Crab Legs seasoned with Seasoned salt and obay

From Joy:

I made Chicken puff onion, garlic, cream cheese inside sweet potato fries zucchini and onion

@Sterling made pancakes with powdered sugar.

From The Inks @Mr_InkInsideMe and @getoffmyplanet Mini burgers!

From Eric: This is a salad that has watermelon, feta cheese, scalions, sliced grape tomatoes, and olive oil

From @Jay_GoShin before and after of Brown Sugar Bourbon marinade steak (pre and post)

@Delphrano in his own words: this is my palomilla with huevos y arroz...which pretty much translates to steak with eggs and rice...this is my favorite breakfast dish. by the way, that's A1 bold and ketchup on the palomilla and the egg is over-easy. I'm Dominican, so this is "normal" for me.

Okay that’s all for now. See you guys next time! Thanks for submitting your food. Real people can cook too!