Category: Blog Post (Page 14 of 15)

Vernon Maxwell – Now only was his skin tone black as night but he had fiery red eyes. He ran up in the stands before Stephen Jackson and them did it in Detroit. Some fan ran off with the mouth and Vernon decided to take matters into his own hands.

Stephon Marbury – Starbury wasn’t the first cat to “crazy” his way out of the NBA but he definitely did it the biggest. His 2009 exploits on live webcam over Ustream was one of the single greatest moments for crazy people in the last decade. He came out with his own brand of shoes that was cheaper than any of the bigger name brands. I really thought his heart was in the right place but after he tattooed a star into the side of his bald head I couldn’t bring myself to wear Starbury’s anymore. Then there was the time with the Knicks that lead to all sorts of stories of him smashing a Knicks employee in his SUV. He was a huge contradiction of on the court selfishness and off the court craziness.

Rasheed Wallace – his game has always been blackness personified. The demonstrative actions that always lead to pointless technical foul calls made it seem like Sheed thought “the man” was out to get him. Sheed is the kind of guy who can do much better but has found his niche on the court. Why put up 30 points a game when only the last few buckets will matter? Sheed’s game and attitude seems more at home on any Saturday morning at the park rather than the NBA. He’s supremely confident while at the same time arguing for every single call as if he’s never committed a foul in his life. When I saw him mouthing the words to “Verbal Intercourse” on his way to a game I realized that he was the embodiment of blackness and no one would ever be able to argue differently.

Nate Robinson – you know what Nate is doing while everyone is working on their game? He’s thinking about what he’s going to do in the dunk contest. Nate is that dude who gets run at every park in America because he gets a crazy dunk every once in a while and everyone goes crazy. Nate has that Napoleon complex, he’s strong as hell AND he can’t wait to fight you. Nate is all about showmanship and not about championships.

Charles Oakley – Notoriously cold on a white woman Oakley has made the rounds off the court. He once threw a ball at Tyron Hill’s head in a pre-game shoot around because Hill owed him money on a bet. Tyrone Hill wasn’t even on Oakley’s team at the time. The funniest part is that during the same year Oakley smacked Tyrone Hill before a preseason game and they were both kicked out of the game. And to top it off, he’s has been Jordan’s wing man in the club for years going back to when MJ was still married.

Stephen Jackson – If I told you that Big Shot Jax likes to smoke a Newport and take a shot of Cognac as a pre-game ritual wouldn’t you believe me? Exactly. And that’s not even bringing up the shoot out in Indiana or the fight in Detroit. He’s one of my favorite players in the NBA and I was ecstatic when the Bobcats traded to get him. I have no doubt that Jackson shows up to NBA games about 10 minutes before the shoot around starts in socks and flip flops with a black and mild under his headband.

Chris Mullin – First of all I can’t understand a damned thing that ever came out of Chris’ mouth. Can you? His GM tenure can only be compared to Jordan. He was rocking the high top fade back when Kid N Play were still kicking it. Much like Rex Chapman (who almost made this list too) he only dates sisters.

Anthony Mason – Just one look at the designs shaved into his head and you know this man is setting the standard for what it is to be black in the NBA. When I was a waiter at IHOP I waited on Mason once. The restaurant was full of families with small children. I went to take his order and he loudly inquired, “Ya’ll got some motherfucking OJ?!” He and his friends proceeded to curse up a storm for the next 45 minutes while brushing off anyone bold enough to attempt to get an autograph. He also tried to spit game to at least 3 IHOP waitresses before leaving.

Side note: After I wrote this Ki from the Atypical Sports Show actually brought up Mike’s image and how it was cleaned up by Nike early on. I agree completely.

Craig Hodges – Oh you thought all of these would be negative stereotypes right? Nope! Craig was black-balled from the NBA because he found awareness of self and started wearing Dashikis and stuff.  Even after being black listed from the NBA Craig came back and defended his three point champion crown during all star weekend. I think he even held a fist up in the air during the introductions.

Chris Jackson AKA Mahmoud Abdul Rauf – I remember when dude was just a point guard with turrets’ that would score at will on your team. Then all of a sudden he stopped coming out for the Pledge of Allegiance and all hell broke loose! White people did NOT like that one bit. He was calm and reserved but his actions got him blackballed from the league.

Allen Iverson – Cornrows, tats, Ebonics and a determination to be himself made Iverson extra black. This dude seemed to be on every 3^rd cover of Slam Magazine for at least 4 years. The cultural impact he had on short dudes at the basketball courts in the park was unrivaled. Not even Isaiah had this many 5’2” dudes gunning and shooting 10% while looking off open big men in the paint. Every little dude thought he was some cornrows and an under armour sleeve from being Iverson. This dude had commercials with the Lox rapping in them. Think about that. Even in his later years his unwillingness to conform as his ability deteriorated was the blackest thing going on in the NBA from 2008 to 2010.

Bill Russell – He was one of the blackest players of his era in a city that was known for not being to “negro friendly” at the time. He was a stoic leader who managed to lead his team to 11 rings in 12 years. He was the NBA’s first black coach even coaching while playing for a few years. He was the perfect black man for his time. He was thoughtful, self aware, reserved and regal all at the same time. He’s been a great ambassador for the game in his older age. This fierce competitor looks like a Cosby grandfather now. He’s like the George Washington Carver of black NBA players.

Patrick Ewing – He sweats profusely and always provided a menacing nemesis for Jordan’s Bulls teams. His eyes were often red and angry. His nostrils would flare with incredulous disbelief after every amazing Jordan shot. Years later when he was called to testify in the “Gold Club” scandal in Atlanta I wasn’t really surprised that he was the kind of dude that liked to get head from strippers while other dudes held a conversation with him.

Gary Payton – He was straight out of the home of Too $hort. Payton had that lock down defense and an undeniable swagger. He lead the league in trash talking and threw madd alley-oops to Shawn Kemp back when the alley-oop wasn’t really a weapon in the NBA. He dressed sharply with an stylish assortment of hats.

Shawn Kemp – Okay, yes… He’s got madd kids. Fell out of the league because of alcoholism and gaining a lot of weight. He never learned to hit that jump shot but he could jump out of the gym. The blackest thing he ever did on the court was dunking on Chris Gatling and then standing there until Chris gave him some “dap”. Oh wait, I take it back. His dunk on Alton Lister where he pointed at him before running back down the court was hall of fame worthy. Plus he used to grab his nuts while dunking on dudes so black… so strong.

Dikembe Mutumbo – when I think of Deke I think of a man that cares about his homeland in Africa. His charity efforts are world renowned. He was notorious for constantly asking players to invest in his hospital that he built back in Africa. Even though he was on more posters than any other center of his time he still led the league in blocks. Throw in the hilariousness of his speaking voice and you have one of the blackest players to ever get in the NBA.

1. Terrance Howard got let go from Iron Man 2? I guess it really is hard out there for a pimp.

2. How can a prison be over crowded? It’s prison! I picture all prisons being like the Amistad. People’s hands and faces pressed against the bars because there is no room inside. Not saying that it’s right but that’s the image in my head that keeps me from going to prison. Well that and coerced sodomy.

3. I don’t ask couples how they met. I ask how did ya’ll stay together? I’m deep.

4. Amazing how every media personality was pissed about Tiger’s press conference but they still managed to cover it.

5. People ask me when we’re going to have a kid. I don’t know but I already kind of have a kid. It’s my wife. She watches cartoons all day and goes to bed early and I kind of have to fuss at her to get her to clean up. Isn’t that enough?

6. At this point there have been so many lame “American Pie” straight to DVD rip-offs why can’t they just release a soft core DVD of all their nudity in these horrible movies?

7. Am I the only one who has a problem with the girl from Precious also being nominated for her role as the Michael Orr in “The Blind Side”?

8. Al Gore invented the internet because he was banned from the adult video store. True story.

9. If a fantasy football team owner dies, how long do you have to wait before approaching the league for his old spot?

10. I wonder how awkward it was for white people who were big fans of Public Enemy? Some of those songs were pretty bitter.

11. I told a story on The Black Guy Who Tips Podcast where I tried to protect people’s anonymity. One of my Facebook friends hits me up and adds the name of the guy who the story was about to his wall post on my page. WTF man? And if you’re reading this blog post: Yes that was about you Jason. lol

12. I want to start my own line of nerd apparel with t-shirts that have slogans like, “Having Lunch Money is overrated.”

13. If I’m 50 Cent I call up Tiger Woods right now and sign him to Vitamin Water.

14. If you think about it Monsters Inc was about two gay dudes adopting an Asian baby. This movie was visionary.

This season of the Boondocks has been received with mixed reviews. While the season hasn’t ended yet, I can see why some people would think it’s been subpar thus far. For one, we’re judging this season on a per episode basis. I saw the same thing happen with the second season too. On the hip hop message board that I used to frequent people would comment after every episode of the second season as if it was the end of the world. Now that time has passed it seems that universal consensus is that the second season was excellent when judged as an entire body of work. I’m not saying this season is the same as the second but I would like to view it in its entirety before judging it to be subpar.

Making a satirical show about black culture in America is very difficult to do. There is a lot of timeliness involved with pop culture and the cycle of relevancy is speeding up. Taking a two year break sort of hurts the content of these episodes. This is evidenced by Chappelle’s struggles to make it through just three seasons of his own show. Once a show like The Boondocks becomes known for its biting wit and brash statement on controversial topics, people can’t help but to tune in. And that’s when the suits come in. You know the suits right? The guys who banned two episodes of The Boondocks second season because they were critical of Viacom subsidiary “BET”? Things like this mess up a comedic artist.

The truth that people find in humor can’t really succeed when it’s being censored heavily. The first time you tell Aaron McGruder what he CAN’T say or do you’re hurting your product. That’s the irony of “suits” coming in after a show has become popular only to make changes that corrupt the original vision that made said show so damned popular in the first place. What does this have to do with Season 3?

On Aaron MacGuder’s twitter page he had an ominous tweet that hinted at the start of this season that this would indeed be the last season of the Boondocks. McGruder himself seemed unwilling to do much promotion for his own product. Maybe his vision for the Boondocks wasn’t about catchy sayings on T-shirts or coffee mugs. What was apparent though is that these shows are almost all filled with more content than needed. It’s like he knew that this was his last chance to get his take on things out to the public through this medium.

Some episodes seem simply crammed with content. It seems like it would take more than 20 minutes to convey a complete look at the entirety of the success of Tyler Perry and the effects on the black community. Even the first episode about Barrack Obama getting support because of his skin color, sex appeal and speaking ability seemed sort of rushed. Admittedly, expectations were probably TOO high for many fans that have been waiting over 2 years for the series to come back to Cartoon Network.

I’ve watched every episode at least 3 times and I’ve found that there is normally extra depth to be found in each one. This is something I’ve always done even in first season but this is the first time where I’ve felt that I HAD to watch each episode more than once to find the messages. I don’t think that is a good thing. The goal of good writing is to compel you to follow along but not make you feel like you’re working for it. I felt like I was doing work to find the point of several episodes this season. Without knowing all the behind the scenes stuff with the writing staff and company censors I’m still going to speculate on what I think happened.

I think McGruder is now trying to rush and get the last word on everything he wants to speak on while hiding some of his more controversial subject matter in the script. I don’t know if that is “funny” and I always thought the first goal of the show was to be funny in the prior seasons. I can’t wait until this season is over so that I can judge it as an entire arc because judging episode by episode is not the way to go. Sometimes you need distance to truly appreciate something like The Boondocks. I remember how angry people were about the comments of Uncle Rukus in the “Katrina” episode last year. Now that episode is widely praised by my circle of friends.

The topics this year have been about homophobia, the black church, political racism, racism helping to bring people together, misplaced nationalism and the parallels between drug dealing and school fund raisers. In short, it’s been all over the place and even if this season turns out to be the worst of the three that’s really not a diss. The first two seasons were among the best TV shows I’ve ever seen so I can forgive a subpar third season if things do indeed end up that way. If McGruder does choose to stop doing this show because of the pressures of success or censorship then I think this season’s failure to hit home is really on the suits at Cartoon Network. The stone that the builder refused indeed.

Take the phone off “speaker” please…

One part water and two parts crack… sounds good.

1. Stores hire security guards. Is there any way that people with fragile egos could hire “insecurity guards”? That way I’d never have to deal with your bullshit. Before I get ready to make a joke or observation about whatever it is that you’re sensitive about an “Insecurity guard” could step in and warn me with his flashlight.

2. I’ve never ordered a “flavor bowl” from KFC or Bojangles. I know slavery food when I see it. It’s basically the leftovers from all the other product they can’t sell individually thrown in a mash up and gravy is poured all over that crap. Every time someone orders that stuff they should have to speak in slave English. I’m going to just start calling them “Slaver Bowls”.

3. I’m fat. Now that we’ve got that out the way let me tell you about this epiphany I had. As you know KFC came out with the Double Down “sandwich” a few weeks ago. Ever since that I’ve been contemplating food and the companies that slang it. Our food is a crack now. Every time you pull up to a drivethru you’re consuming some crack. I can’t help but think that these companies are out to kill us. They know we’re addicted and that we can’t quit so they are just getting worse and worse.

That reminds me of the financial crisis. The reason we’re in this crisis is because of shady “tools” that were used to bet on stocks without actually creating any money. The deregulation of the financial industry happened through lobbying for political favors. Laws were repealed or relaxed and now we’re screwed. Well how is that different than the “double down”? Food has just gotten worse and shadier over the past 20 years while the country has gotten fatter and fatter. It’s the same damned thing as the financial crisis. We’re in a food crisis.

4. I think I piss people off with the way I talk sometimes. I use words for accuracy’s sake without regard to the emotional attachments that some people have to those words. I said that the newest Arizona law was “profiling and harassment” but before I could actually say how I felt about it Darric cut me off. It’s like he was going to defend the fact that it was necessary to profile people for this law to be implemented. My point wasn’t if it was right or wrong it was simply that this law is the definition of those two terms if you’re just a law abiding American citizen who gets pulled over on suspicion of being illegal. That being said I think I’m for this bill because I want to see what happens. Let’s find out who’s right on a trial basis before trying to do this nationally. We need some test runs at the state level. That’s how our system should work.

5. I’m going to start defending athletes who are accused of committing outlandish crimes by citing their on the field accolades.
A. Did you hear LT raped someone? “What? Nah man. He’s a hall of famer!”
B. “How could Tiger cheat on his wife man? He won the masters! He’s innocent.”

6. Putting toothpaste on your vagina doesn’t prevent pregnancy or disease. That’s a different type of “cavity protection”.

7. I want to invent an “ex-cersize” class. It’s a work out class at a gym where we bring your ex-lovers by to look at you. It would be great motivation to get in shape and stay in shape while gloating. Everyone likes to look better than their ex-lovers right?

8. Stephen Hawking – inventor of auto-tunes.

9. Between Big Ben and LT it’s really getting to the point where you can’t rape ANYONE these days. Jeez!

10. I’m not a fan of Andy Rooney. He’s out of touch and old. That being said, I think I would be willing to watch a TV show where Andy Rooney played the role of a judge like, “Judge Judy”. I’d just like to hear him go on rhetorical rants while the people on trial would wait impatiently for him to get on with his ruling. How could this not work?

11. The other day the spell check on my iPhone corrected a typo to “strike”. So instead of “Can I stroke them titties?” which is funny and honest it became, “Can I strike them titties?” which is a abusive and ridiculous. The worst part is that the answer was yes. Am I in a relationship with a masochist and I just discovered it? Or did she already know it was a typo? Only one way to find out….

12. I want to create a show called, “To Catch A Creditor” where people who owe money to credit cards can find the employee who calls their house during dinner to harass them about money owed. It’s not nearly as honorable as Chris Hansen’s show but it does rhyme.

13. June is officially Sundress month! Ladies… get to shopping!

This blog post was inspired by a conversation with @Terrysboy on Twitter. Donald Glover has started his own grass roots campaign to be cast as the role of Peter Parker in the next Spider-man movie. Spider-man 4 is rumored to be a relaunch of the series. They want to start over again with Peter in high school and take a few chances with the script since the actors and director from the previous movies want nothing to do with the franchise any more.

I don’t think a black Spider-man would work. I was content to just leave it there but my Twitter friend @Terryboy bombarded me with replies on this subject so I think I should do him justice with a well explained retort. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind on this because people already seem to have their minds made up, but I would like a chance to give my rationale.

Peter Parker as the character is currently written is a masterpiece when it comes to the American experience. A poor kid from Queens who is a genius level science student raised by his widowed Aunt seems like it could be the stereotypical background for a black character. That’s where any similarities end. This isn’t a story of a kid who pulls himself up by his bootstraps to show the reader what it takes to be a success.

This is the story of a guy who never harnesses his potential in real life but reaps all the benefits anyways. He dates and marries the most famous super model on the planet. Gets a cushy gig at the Daily Bugle taking pictures of himself fighting bad guys while being a continual fuck-up at work. He’s chronically late to everything and totally blows off his entire cast of friends to pursue crime fighting. His best friend is the son of a billionaire who still hangs with Peter’s broke ass like he’s family. Oh and in-between all of this he manages to get the best science internships in the city on a consistent basis. Things just have a way of working out for Pete at every turn.

Peter Parker is the ultimate example of white privilege. You can’t just throw a brother in that role and make any of this believable. At every turn you buy Peter’s improbable luck because you can still picture people taking a chance on him. His story is just appealing enough and his face is just familiar enough that people constantly invest in him. That’s the key to his entire existence.

The last thing and well, probably the most important thing is this; I don’t trust Hollywood to do this movie correctly with a black star. I think you’d see a lot more references to race and stereotypes in the comedic turns of the script because that would be the entire hook this movie is predicated upon. I don’t want race and superhero comic book stuff to mix unless it’s pertinent to the plot. Why not make Batman gay? What about an Asian Superman? How about a movie where the Punisher is 400lbs of fat?

Stop messing with excellent premises in the name of a gimmick. Comics endure for decades because the source material is so well done. You can’t just insert race, sex or religion abruptly into a character’s origin story just to “spice it up” and expect me to roll with that. The only way it could work is to make this casting not about race at all but that would defeat the entire purpose of this “hook” gimmick they are using to relaunch this series. Now if you can find a reasonable way to make this relevant to the script and not besmirch the original storyline… I would consider it. The odds of Hollywood doing that? Zero. So how about this; let’s get the story correct this time. Instead of adding more elements for the movie industry to completely fuck up let’s get the key details of the current stories right.

Why is Wolverine leaving the Weapon X program in an afternoon? Why does Deadpool become an amalgamation of CG special effects and only has 2 speaking lines in the script? Why is Venom in Spider-man 3 for all of 25 minutes? It’s because guys like @Terrysboy (No disrespect) had similar thoughts about cavalierly changing the source material instead of delving into the minutia of the original storylines that made these franchises long-standing pillars of American mythology.

Now if you don’t mind I have to read some more of this new Batman series where he’s doing crime fighting in a wheelchair. Peace.