Category: Blog Post (Page 16 of 16)

1. I want to invent something called “6, Hour Energy Drinks”. I know what you’re thinking, “Someone already invented that Rod!” Go back and re-read that. See the comma? It’s 6 separate one hour energy drinks instead of one drink that last for 5 hours. It’s brilliant right? You get a whole 6 pack for the same price as one 5 hour energy drink!

2. So the owner of the Segway died by falling off a cliff to his death while riding a Segway? I don’t believe it. It’s either the laziest suicide of all time or my fears have come true. Segways have become sentient and turned on their masters. This is how the plot to terminator begins. This is the perfect murder. Well other than my “training a monkey to kill” murder plan that I came up with after listening to “The Morning Jones” today.

3. I keep seeing commercials about how texting while driving is leading people to dying in car accidents. Then they show the text they were reading at the time of death and it’s always something really boring like, “yeah” or “cool”. Well I’m not saying any text is worth dying for but isn’t that out of context? I’d like to see the whole conversation. Also what if the text was really clever and funny. Would that be worth dying for?

4. I never got into the game “Clue” and I think I know why. It’s a cultural thing. Most black people don’t even grow up playing that game. I think it’s because it’s unbelievable that someone would have that many rooms and items. You killed someone in a foyer? What is a foyer? I didn’t know what a foyer was until I was grown. I thought “libraries” were buildings with books not a room upstairs in the house.

5. I wonder if there is a secret room in the bank for rich people where they can go into the back and roll around in their money like Scrooge McDuck. Like you just roll around back there for a couple of minutes and then walk out like nothing happened. It can be called a the “Glory Roll” room.

6. You might be moving into the hood if your neighbors are doing inventory of your electronics as you move in. “Hey man… was that 2 big screen flat panel TVs? I have you down for 2.”

7. I’m not even mad at Brett Favre. I’m just impressed he can operate a camera phone at 42 years old. Also who would’ve thought you could fit a camera phone in the back pocket of a pair of Wranglers? Not me.

8. I love how every article on relationship advice always starts off with the author telling you that they are in a relationship. As if that is validation for anything. Do you know how easy it is to be in a relationship? It’s not impressive at all. A few clicks on your Facebook page can change the status of your relationship drastically. With the high failure rate of relationships I highly doubt anyone should consider themselves an “expert” at anything other than the ONE relationship they are capable of maintaining at the time.

9. A friend of mine told me that her s/o cheated on her but not physically. What other way is there to cheat? Was it financially? In an alternate dimension? Did they time travel to the future?

10. Is it okay to root for the villain in “Enough” because we all know J-Lo is a horrible person in real life?

11. Well it took me 32 years but I totally realized the sexual innuendo in the food items, “Banana Pudding” and “Banana Nut Bread” and I will no longer able to say these without at the very least smiling uncomfortably.

12. Unstoppable puts the “Train” back in “Training Day”.

1. I was listening to “Where’s My 40 Acres?!” Podcast the other day and they were talking about the man who punch a woman and left her in a coma over a parking space. Now in all fairness we have no idea how good this parking space was, but there is an important lesson to be learned here. Even though people say you should never hit a woman women get hit every day. Just remember ladies life isn’t a video game. There are no buttons on the controller of life that don’t work. So while you shouldn’t be walking around in constant fear of being hit during an altercation just remember that it can and does happen often.

2. Some people call it segregation. I call it the “original all white party”. I mean Diddy puts one on in Miami every year. Why can’t white people?

3. I ran a red light to avoid eye contact with a homeless man today. Am I turning into a softy?

4. Vegans probably don’t swallow right?

5. Spammers are getting lazier. I’ve been receiving the same email from different addresses. All it says in the subject line is “I have a business proposal for you.” Then the actual body of the email is blank. Who is that going to work on? What happened to the days of elaborate stories that involved hardships and peril? Step it up spammers.

6. You can tell how healthy a microwave meal is supposed to be by the instructions on the box. If it tells you to microwave it on 54% while cutting a slit in the tops and placing it in a pot of boiling water then you are eating a healthy choice meal or something.

7. An investigation into the “Pay N Spray” auto painting shops could single handedly destroy the entire crime world of Vice City. I mean really is there any reason you should be able to pay $200 for a paint job that takes a few minutes and they even guarantee to knock of the stars on your “wanted” status.

8. I was watching the movie “Jason X” for the first time the other day and I had to turn it off. I don’t know if it’s a 2 part movie or what but he never even gets close to turning Muslim. Did Spike Lee even direct this movie? I’m assuming it’s a prequel to Malcolm X but I don’t know man. Total rip off.

9. Taco Bell’s new shrimp tacos are over 80% beef.

10. I was talking to someone about the rapper “Joe Budden” but I spelled his last name “Button”. And they had to correct me. I was like, “My bad I forgot to spell his last name incorrectly.” Only in hip hop.

11. If only Tami, Royce, Jennifer and Shaunie return for the next season of The Basketball “Wives” then I’m officially calling it “The Return of 4 Heffas” . Ratchetball Wives is bound to be epic again.

1.       I’m amazed that there is an actually a symbol for “Anarchy”. Does that just go against everything they stand for? I just imagine someone tagging a building with the “A” for anarchy and someone coming along like, “No! That’s now how you do it! All the symbols have to be uniform! Why isn’t this the right shade of red? Take it down!”

2.       I saw Stevie Wonder sitting front row at the All-Star game the other day. It looked like he was sitting with Ted Williams (The homeless man with the golden voice from God). Maybe he was letting Ted Williams describe the game to him. I think that is like watching the game in 3-D for a blind person.

3.       Sidenote: If I was Stevie Wonder I would only do things that would make people with sight hate me for how I’m balling. I’m talking front row seats at the Superbowl. I’d learn to choreograph steps that make it seems as if I’m walking around movie objects and people. I’d own an iPhone and shit.

4.       An involuntary erection at a funeral = Mourning Wood

5.       I’m just going to start saving time and start spilling stuff on my shirts as I pull them out of the dryer. I spilled coffee on my freshly cleaned shirt first thing this morning. Why do I even try.

6.       Is it okay for two dudes who are using Google chat to use emoticons when talking to each other?

7.       So I saw Phonte, Jean Grae and 9^th Wonder all collaborated on a song together. That’s the good news. The bad news? Lil B the Based God is on it. I found this disappointing because these are the rappers who aren’t afraid to call out wackness and claim to suffer for their own artistic principles but then they turn around and work with a guy who is an obvious gimmick rapper. Lil B has no talent and we even ridiculed his lack of ability on our podcast. The lesson that I learned here? Even these conscious rappers want Youtube hits.

8.       Why would the man in the yellow hat hang out with a monkey? Now THAT is curious.

9.       I’m going to make a book for people who don’t like to read. It’s going to be called “Movie: The Book” and it’ll be available only on DVD and BluRay.

10.   “They say when you own a hammer every problem starts to look like a nail”. I think the same applies to people who own guns. When you own a gun every problem starts to look like a black man the basketball court on a hot summer day.

1.       Everything I learn about other cultures comes from porn. Did you know that Japanese people have pixelated genitalia? It’s true.

2.       I was at the gas station the other day getting some gas. You really do have to jump through a lot of hoops to get some gas. It’s like filling out a pop quiz. What is your zip code? Do you want debit or credit? Do you want a receipt? Would you like a car wash? Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called? Where were you last night? Let me see your Facebook password! You cheating on me nigga? I will cut your dick off!

3.       So it’s black history month and in observance of all of the sacrifices that my ancestors have made for me in order for me to be here doing this blog I’ve decide to call it “Call of Duty: African American Ops” for the rest of the month.

4.       I was reading an article for the podcast about a black man receiving a noose in his locker at his job. The noose supposedly was an “ominous message” as opposed to the friendly nooses for occasions like, “welcome to the neighborhood” or “happy birthday”.

5.       Instead of “how many people have you slept with” wouldn’t a better question be, “how many more people do you plan on sleeping with”?

6.     I am always slightly annoyed when rappers start their verses with “listen”.

As opposed to what? You already have my attention. I’m actually expecting you to rap at any moment. Do you think I just have the song on in the background and I’m turning it down when the words come on? Stop insulting my intelligence. That’s like me starting a blog post with “read this!”

7.       Look ladies, I don’t know what Bruno Mars is trying to convince you of but I won’t catch a grenade for you.  I might catch a cab for you. If it’s love then I would catch a plane for you. More than likely I’ll catch a movie and a bite to eat for you. I also won’t catch an STD or a case for you either.

8.       I have a friend who recently started a new job and she asked me for some advice. I was like, “On day one you walk up to the biggest mofo in that place. You look them right in the face and you knock them out in front of everyone. Let ‘em know you’re not to be messed with.” When I hung up I realized I had accidentally given her my prison advice speech. So if anyone is hiring in the Virginia area please contact theblackguywhotips@gmail.com

9.       I was listening to a song by The Lox the other day and by the time I turned off the song I had been shot 18 times.

10.   JaRule is saying that his next album won’t have any derogatory references to women. I think the album will be somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes long.

11.   Hey conspiracy theorist if they let you say it on your podcast or blog then it’s probably not true. You’ll know you’re onto the truth when they come to kill you.

12.   Have you ever considered that Gucci Mane may have done his face like that because while you can steal a chain you can’t steal tattoo.

1.       When we find the bodies in Blake Griffin’s basement remember that I told you so.

2.       No matter how big you get, never forget the people who lied for you on your resume references. It will help keep you grounded.

3.       People always advocate picking fights with someone your own size. While this may seem smart I think it’s smarter to not pick fights at all. I measure the potential of fights by how spectacular an event it could be when being retold to someone who wasn’t present at the time. So while me beating up a weaker opponent is an expected outcome of an altercation with a smaller guy, a smaller guy beating me up becomes an epic tale of overcoming the odds that would live on forever. Why risk that result? I’d rather just opt to stay safe unless I HAVE to fight. You tell me what is more memorable:

A: “Remember when Rod beat up that Midget? That was wrong! Shame on him.”

B: “Remember when that midget beat up Rod?! That was awesome! Rod is a pussy!”

4.       Speaking of fighting. If there is one group of sports fans I don’t want to fight, it’s MMA fans. From my experience these guys are either testosterone fuel steroid psychos or nerds who used to get beat up when they were younger and decided to prepare for any future conflicts that may come their way. And sometimes they’re BOTH! MMA fighters and fans never even look like complete bad asses either. They have champions who look like they could be working in the accounting department at your job. I’ll skip out on that ass whooping.

5.       What the hell was the cat doing IN the bag in the first place?

6.       Why are there no thanksgiving fast food specials like Turkey Tacos or Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream?

7.       People always say you can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it. Apparently these people have never “made it rain” in the club.

8.       You’re old when you buy shoes because they are a good sale. If you don’t find out your shoes are endorsed by an athlete until after you’ve bought them? You’re old.

9.       When will Souljah Boy become Souljah Man? And when this happens can we ship his ass off to Iraq?

10.   If there is a war on drugs then where the fuck are the bulletproof vest, hum vees and M-16 assault rifles? They are all on the drug dealer’s side of the game! The only ones prepared to actually fight a “war” are the people selling it. Think about that.

11.   I seriously doubt there has ever been a No white folks allowed” sign on any business in America.

12.   New idea for an iPhone app. “Words with enemies”. It’s basically words with friends except you can use curse words and racial slurs.

13.   If you’re one of those people that celebrates your dog’s birthday then I think I PROBABLY know how you feel about me owning a Mike Vick jersey.

14.   At some point someone is going to commit a crime completely to get Twitter followers. Are we prepared for this? Like is someone shoots a rapper and then screams “At Rodimusprime ya’ll! Follow me on Twitter!” I won’t even be shocked.