Category: Blog Post (Page 16 of 16)

1.       Everything I learn about other cultures comes from porn. Did you know that Japanese people have pixelated genitalia? It’s true.

2.       I was at the gas station the other day getting some gas. You really do have to jump through a lot of hoops to get some gas. It’s like filling out a pop quiz. What is your zip code? Do you want debit or credit? Do you want a receipt? Would you like a car wash? Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called? Where were you last night? Let me see your Facebook password! You cheating on me nigga? I will cut your dick off!

3.       So it’s black history month and in observance of all of the sacrifices that my ancestors have made for me in order for me to be here doing this blog I’ve decide to call it “Call of Duty: African American Ops” for the rest of the month.

4.       I was reading an article for the podcast about a black man receiving a noose in his locker at his job. The noose supposedly was an “ominous message” as opposed to the friendly nooses for occasions like, “welcome to the neighborhood” or “happy birthday”.

5.       Instead of “how many people have you slept with” wouldn’t a better question be, “how many more people do you plan on sleeping with”?

6.     I am always slightly annoyed when rappers start their verses with “listen”.

As opposed to what? You already have my attention. I’m actually expecting you to rap at any moment. Do you think I just have the song on in the background and I’m turning it down when the words come on? Stop insulting my intelligence. That’s like me starting a blog post with “read this!”

7.       Look ladies, I don’t know what Bruno Mars is trying to convince you of but I won’t catch a grenade for you.  I might catch a cab for you. If it’s love then I would catch a plane for you. More than likely I’ll catch a movie and a bite to eat for you. I also won’t catch an STD or a case for you either.

8.       I have a friend who recently started a new job and she asked me for some advice. I was like, “On day one you walk up to the biggest mofo in that place. You look them right in the face and you knock them out in front of everyone. Let ‘em know you’re not to be messed with.” When I hung up I realized I had accidentally given her my prison advice speech. So if anyone is hiring in the Virginia area please contact theblackguywhotips@gmail.com

9.       I was listening to a song by The Lox the other day and by the time I turned off the song I had been shot 18 times.

10.   JaRule is saying that his next album won’t have any derogatory references to women. I think the album will be somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes long.

11.   Hey conspiracy theorist if they let you say it on your podcast or blog then it’s probably not true. You’ll know you’re onto the truth when they come to kill you.

12.   Have you ever considered that Gucci Mane may have done his face like that because while you can steal a chain you can’t steal tattoo.

1.       When we find the bodies in Blake Griffin’s basement remember that I told you so.

2.       No matter how big you get, never forget the people who lied for you on your resume references. It will help keep you grounded.

3.       People always advocate picking fights with someone your own size. While this may seem smart I think it’s smarter to not pick fights at all. I measure the potential of fights by how spectacular an event it could be when being retold to someone who wasn’t present at the time. So while me beating up a weaker opponent is an expected outcome of an altercation with a smaller guy, a smaller guy beating me up becomes an epic tale of overcoming the odds that would live on forever. Why risk that result? I’d rather just opt to stay safe unless I HAVE to fight. You tell me what is more memorable:

A: “Remember when Rod beat up that Midget? That was wrong! Shame on him.”

B: “Remember when that midget beat up Rod?! That was awesome! Rod is a pussy!”

4.       Speaking of fighting. If there is one group of sports fans I don’t want to fight, it’s MMA fans. From my experience these guys are either testosterone fuel steroid psychos or nerds who used to get beat up when they were younger and decided to prepare for any future conflicts that may come their way. And sometimes they’re BOTH! MMA fighters and fans never even look like complete bad asses either. They have champions who look like they could be working in the accounting department at your job. I’ll skip out on that ass whooping.

5.       What the hell was the cat doing IN the bag in the first place?

6.       Why are there no thanksgiving fast food specials like Turkey Tacos or Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream?

7.       People always say you can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it. Apparently these people have never “made it rain” in the club.

8.       You’re old when you buy shoes because they are a good sale. If you don’t find out your shoes are endorsed by an athlete until after you’ve bought them? You’re old.

9.       When will Souljah Boy become Souljah Man? And when this happens can we ship his ass off to Iraq?

10.   If there is a war on drugs then where the fuck are the bulletproof vest, hum vees and M-16 assault rifles? They are all on the drug dealer’s side of the game! The only ones prepared to actually fight a “war” are the people selling it. Think about that.

11.   I seriously doubt there has ever been a No white folks allowed” sign on any business in America.

12.   New idea for an iPhone app. “Words with enemies”. It’s basically words with friends except you can use curse words and racial slurs.

13.   If you’re one of those people that celebrates your dog’s birthday then I think I PROBABLY know how you feel about me owning a Mike Vick jersey.

14.   At some point someone is going to commit a crime completely to get Twitter followers. Are we prepared for this? Like is someone shoots a rapper and then screams “At Rodimusprime ya’ll! Follow me on Twitter!” I won’t even be shocked.